Point blank range.

I told myself that on my next enrty I will be writing something about bands, or about a new song that I have heard, or a movie I just watched, or about some trip that I went to. I told myself I wont be blogging again about some rants and whatnots about work ..or about life. But sometimes i need to. And sometimes is now.

I feel awful today and for the past two weeks I have been keeping things to myself. It’s like wanting things that I can’t have. Or atleast now I can’t have it. And I have no idea when I can have it. or will I have it someday. I don’t know.

I’ve been looking forward to next year where I am planning to go back in the Philippines and stay there for good. Spend more time with my loved ones, and start anew. Or I just thought so. Mom is leaving. She is leaving next week. At this moment I was the first of us four to know. The first question of course was: Why? When all I wanted is to go back for good!

Now I felt like a cat astray finding my way back and dream on again. Mostly, we tend to get the things that are out of our control. Things that we dislike. Could it be any harder than this?

Yesterday, my friend’s dad died and she almost did not make it to see him until the very end. The morning she decided to go home I was wide awake. I was praying. Then I tried to sleep it all again. But I can’t. I was staring in the ceiling with my thoughts frozen to those what ifs and what else?

Every night, I run five thousand eight hundred and eighty meters. And sometimes I hope that at the end of every track I will finally find HOME, again.

I want to press that fast forward button but it seems stuck.